1.  First of all, know what fois gras is.

2.  Take a class on etiquette.  And romance.

3.  When she asks if she’s fat, say no.  Tell her she’s beautiful and that, in fact, she should eat more because she looks too thin.

4.  Being French means loving to cook.  Really cook.  Not what we Americans typically consider cooking (which usually involves an electric kitchen appliance of some form or another).  Don’t be surprised if you’re convinced you have absolutely no food and she miraculously whips up the most delicious meal using a combination of ingredients that you never would’ve imagined ever going well together.  When she pulls off this delicious culinary miracle, fawn at her feet as if she were the only woman in the entire freakin’ universe.  Remember that to her food is sacred.  Cooking is a fine cultural art passed down from generation to generation of fine cuisine and family gatherings.  Not only is it an art, it is a social thing and you better damn well appreciate it.  Needless to say, watching TV or using the computer while eating is a major faux pas.  Don’t do it.  Ever.

5.  The French have a fear of poo.  Don’t talk about it.  From an area of the world that once was ravaged by the black plague, a cultural taboo around a vector of disease makes perfect sense.  But perhaps also bottled up in this is a tinge of embarrassment at the seldom mentioned excretory behavior of the aristocracy at what is often seen as the high watermark of European culture.  Can you picture Louis XIV relieving himself in the corner of the Chateau de Versailles and wiping his ass with 3 meter high gold-embroidered wool curtains? (ouch!)  Either way, just remember poo is taboo.

6.  No matter how long and hard your workday is, it is no excuse to wear tennis shoes with business attire.  It’s just tacky.

7.  Don’t be surprised if, when you choose to drink a soda with dinner, she tells you to grow up.

8.  NEVER drink champagne or wine from the bottle.  If you do, expect her to hit you with a soul-piercing, cold, disgusted stare—one that is reserved only for the most uncivilized barbarian.

9.  Wearing pajamas in public is not OK.  Unless you are 3 years old.

10.  Get in the habit of serving non-alcoholic beverages without ice.  Apparently ice shocks the stomach and is to be avoided.

11.  When going to see a performance, refrain from clapping after every piece.  Our culture’s hypersaturation with television media might have shortened our attention spans and conditioned us to eagerly show our entertainment gusto by beating our hands together like religious zealots every chance we get, but this interrupts the flow of the performance—and is disrespectful to the performers.  Hold your praise until the end.

12.  Oh, and related to number 11.  If you show up late to a performance, expect to sit in the back, especially if your seats were towards the front.  DO NOT require an entire row to stand up or move just so you can get to your seat.  Again, it interrupts the performance and shows disrespect for the audience and the performers.

13.  During discussions, don’t get angry if it sounds like she always disagrees with you.  Remember she comes from a culture and indeed an area of the world with a vast and laudable intellectual history.  I mean, it’s no small thing that the Enlightenment happened right in her backyard.  The French invented the salon, for chrissake!  Anyway, understand that when she contends your ideas, points out contradictions, and asks you why you think the way you do, though underneath it all she probably often agrees with you, her polemical behavior is in the best interest of your intellectual development.  They don’t call them continental rationalists for nothing.  Human reason is something to be cherished and celebrated and every time she challenges yours remember she is doing just that.  Needless to say, if you are at all interested in developing your mind, she is among one of the best people to have at your side.  Thank her for it.

14.  And finally, remind her that you think she is the most beautiful woman on the planet.  And do it often.  (Though I think this holds true for any woman you love, regardless of where she comes from.)